There's a knock at the front door. A man opens it and looks down to find a snail sitting on the stoop. He picks up the little critter and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later, there's a knock.
The man opens the door, looks down, and there sits the same snail.
The snail looks up and says, "What on earth was that about?"

 

"I got this new hearing aid the other day. It really works fantastically."
" Are you wearing it now?"
" Yep. Cost me a small fortune, but it's really top of the line."
" What kind is it?"
" Twelve thirty"

 

Driving with my two youngs boys to a funeral, I tried to prepare them by talking about burial and what we believe happens after death.
The boys behaved well during the service. But at the grave site I discovered my explanations weren't as thorough as I'd thought. In a loud voice, my four-year-old asked, "Mom?"
" Yes," I whispered.
" What's in the box?"

 

 

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Hunting flies." he responded

"Killing any?"

"Yep, 3 males and 2 females."

Intrigued she asked "How can you tell?"

"3 were on a beer can, and the other 2 were on the phone..."

 

 

 

Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

 

 

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company.Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him,"Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967. "Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"

"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."